What Is Up Ahead

I felt like I was driving towards this place I had in my mind for a long, long time and the road seemed endless. Sometimes I enjoyed it, and sometimes I dreaded it. At some points, it seemed worthless but there was no way back. Then just a slight turn to the right and there I was. It hit me so suddenly that for a while I was unable to realize that the trip was over. No more surprises, no more "are we there yet", no more expectations, no more of anything. I finally had arrived.

So this was it. I guess I never thought what was really going to happen. Not that I did not care, no.

I cared a lot and I was even looking forward for this to happen.

Somehow, I thought it would be different, coming rather gradually and gently, almost like watching a sunrise in a dark night, in which one can see and feel all the shades and colors changing while enjoying every moment. Or when arriving to a city by night where the lights and traffic are emerging slowly.

Instead, it was like learning about the unexpected death of a truly loved one or discovering suddenly that one is in love. Abruptly. From one moment to another, I realized that everything was different, that life will change with a very grim choice: I could either accept it and move on or stop and exit the road forever.

Maybe my mistake was looking at it from the outside. Viewing this place through my behavior, my hobbies, my defects and even my moments of sadness and joy. However, always as somebody else, like watching a movie with me as the central character.

When people talk about a good movie, I hear comments like – It was so real! – Makes you really believe you were there! – Wow! I could feel what was going on. Unbelievable!

That is the magic of movies. I always forget it’s an illusion. It’s not real, not even close to reality.

I cannot feel the heat of the jungle, the shrapnel whistling or the rain that seems to cover everything. Even more, your friend is not a serial killer and you are not dying of cancer.

From the comfort of the armchair of my life, I looked at it as a relatively involved spectator, but without committing at all.

Then today, going up the stairs of my home, I noticed that I was moving slower than usual. At least I thought. That moment, right there, I realized I had arrived.

I am consciously and officially old.

Reality was that I was slower than the last time I thought about it. Apparently, that was long ago. I remembered that for several months I was moving up at that pace and thinking I just did not feel like doing it faster. My mind was telling me I could but it was not worth it.

Funny how things happen. I kept hoping all day that I could do activities almost as well as few years ago. Mental calculations, driving cars, walking normally, read quickly, remembering recent events and many other everyday things. My wife used to ask me something like "How much is fifteen percent of three hundred?" I would answer in seconds: forty-five. When reading a paragraph I would understand the idea immediately.

Lately I had begun to linger a little longer with numbers, or I reread the paragraph "just to be safe" and I thought it was legitimate to go through a very gradual and slow process of aging concessions. Nevertheless, the mind plays tricks with me. Imperceptibly I adapted to slight changes and my mind was telling me – Don’t worry, it’s going to be fine, just let it go this time - Suddenly I realized that it wasn’t going to be “just this time”. It will be more like “from now on…”

I understand today that I have reached my old age. No doubt about it. Life has been good to me and I sucked as much as I could of it. I loved much, suffered much, ate much, and drank much. Everything was an exaggeration in my way of living. Balance, serenity, control were just that: words. Crazy and passionate, I do not regret it. Actually, I am grateful to be me. I have many scars and open wounds, but each one has a memory that makes it worth it.

However, I have still so many dreams and plans that I wonder if with age I also have reached madness. I want to be a writer, I am starting a new career, I want to travel everywhere and enjoy my grandchildren and my loved ones in a way that can only be described as selfish.

I guess I will hit the road again. Now that I know I am old, it will not be as before. There are two changes. First, it will be exactly the opposite of what it was. The next day will be mostly more difficult to live. More pain, more blackouts, more forgetful and more memories gone. Then again, I do not mind. I enjoy living and I will also get more compassion, more forgiveness, and definitively more love. Not for me but for others. That is the secret of a good life.

The other change is more subtle, but also much more powerful; this is a trip where I will never arrive to my destination. Any day could be my last.

It’s all good. It’s a new game and I am ready to play it.